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I wonder how much toilet paper Richard Burr has stocked up at home.

One roll, two rolls, 200 rolls?

You know Richard Burr. He’s our U.S. Senator.

It turns out that after learning something about the coronavirus in late January and in February, he and his wife sold some million dollars worth of stock, some of it in companies that are taking a hard hit now. Pretty smart financial move, right?

Maybe.

There’s an investigation, and likely, he will not be punished. Maybe he didn’t even do anything wrong. Maybe he did. It sure looks and smells fishy.

One way to know if the Burr family did anything wrong is to check their toilet paper supply. If they’re loaded with paper, lock ‘em up. If they’re limiting its use because it is in short supply, give them some slack. If they’ve got plenty of paper, maybe when he leaves Washington he can become a financial advisor to the wealthy, well heeled and well wiped.

Either way, I never trusted a man who refuses to wear socks – even when wearing suits.

It seems this isn’t the first time the United States has been worried about paper for the back side. In 1973, when gas rationing started, a Congressman quipped that the next thing we knew there would be a toilet paper shortage. Johnny Carson made a joke about that comment on The Tonight Show. The Congressman spoke, and people laughed and snarled. Johnny Carson spoke, and people got serious and went into action.

People panicked and bought up pretty much all of the toilet paper that was on the shelves in stores across the country. Those who didn’t, well, they were left behind. Or their behinds were left behind.

A quick sampling of friends (That number is small, very small.) show that toilet paper hoarding is not that uncommon. It turns out that even without a pandemic, most households have enough toilet paper to last for months.

We may run out of ketchup, but not toilet paper.

We may run out of laundry detergent, but not toilet paper.

Heck, we may even run out of beer (Chills just went up my spine.), but not toilet paper.

When you think about it, that hoarding of toilet paper makes sense. You can go to the store and buy another bottle of ketchup, but going to the store may be a bit difficult if you’re clinching so hard you can’t walk. And who wants to short-step waddle up to the counter at the store with a pack of toilet paper – red faced, clearly in agony, afraid to speak, worrying that any second you could lose your clinching power? The clerk may chuckle. Or worse, start a conversation. Or even worse, change the paper in the register, or casually open a new pack of dimes to give you change.

Keep the change. Donate it to charity. Just give me my toilet paper.

That shortage is happening again. Actually, just as it was back then, it’s not a shortage. There’s plenty of paper out there, it’s just that a few have a lot and a lot have little. Stores can’t get it in fast enough.

Our toilet paper distribution system can’t keep up with the demand. And to tell you the truth, if I went to the store tomorrow and the shelves were full of toilet paper, I’d buy a package or two, even though there’s enough at home to last a few weeks.

Why?

Because I remember the toilet paper shortage of March 2020. It was an awful, terrible time. The worst. Butts everywhere, but paper only here and there.

I’ll be glad when all of this mess is over and we can put the problem behind us.

– Mike Barnhardt